Black Ink and Parchment

Never have I ever is a game you play with friends, where secrets slip out between laughter and raised glasses. You admit to things you might otherwise keep buried, comforted by the possibility that someone else has done the same.

In all honesty, we all carry things we’d rather not revisit. By sharing and seeing others have done something similar, a strange sense of comfort settles over us. So, in this spirit, here are my fifteen “Never have I Ever” confessions.

Never have I ever…

1. Loved someone I knew would leave. They were too good for me, or not good enough, but I didn’t care, I wanted them in that moment.
2. Waited for someone to change longer than I should have. I wasted time thinking they would turn over a new leaf for me, but they never did.  
3. Kept a letter I should have burned. I shouldn’t keep it, but I can’t bare to let it go.  
4. Stayed where I wasn’t truly seen. I remained where people didn’t understand me because I was comfortable. If they truly saw me, and rejected me, that would hurt. So I remained until I was so small, it hurt to breathe.
5. Felt alone next to someone who claimed to love me and never said a word. Their actions are ones of indifference and selfishness. I gave everything, and they took, yet I remained an empty vessel for a very long time.  
6. Left something unfinished before it ever began. This one hurts too much to explain. If you have been there, you know what I am talking about.
7. Carried a name that felt heavier than my heart. I hold on to people too long, even when they hurt me. Their name pulls at my heartstrings and while I feel the tears, the name never falls.
8. Loved someone who broke me quietly till I finally ended it and then they painted me as the bad guy.
9. Hidden a secret that found its way out. The longer you hide something, the more painful it is when it comes out.
10. Checked for something I knew wasn’t there. Just because you wish the message would show up doesn’t mean it will. You want their feelings to change, but they don’t, and you always take a peek only to hurt your own heart.  
11. Gave away parts of myself to people who had no intention of keeping them. Too many pieces of me were given the most unworthy people and it took me a very long time to ‘grow’ them all back. Now I am very selective with my time, soul, and heart.  
12. Mistook intensity for something lasting. Love bombing is just as dangerous as withholding all affection and leading someone on. Being showered with tokens of love doesn’t mean it’s anything real.
13. Been chosen halfway and accepted it as enough. Ever been so in love with someone, you would take anything they gave you just to be near them?
14. Gone back just to prove I was stronger. They broke me, and I grew from it, and foolishly when right back to them thinking I could withstand everything they once threw at me. I was wrong.  
15. Changed myself so much that I became a stranger. I spent years trying to be someone I wasn’t to keep everyone around me happy. And they were, only I wasn’t.  

 The things we’re most ashamed of are often the things that make us the most human. We have all loved, lost, made mistakes, hurt others, and hid secrets. We are so much more alike than different, and maybe once we realize this, we can give each other more grace.