Black Ink and Parchment

We pass people in the hall and say, “How are you?” but we don’t really stop to listen because social protocol says we answer with ‘fine’ or ‘good’ and keep walking. We believe no one really wants to hear your life story. Society has created this environment where we have to literally pay someone to listen to us because our friends and coworkers are drowning in their own pain and life. They mentally cannot take on our issues, even if they want to. (Shout out to every therapist, friend, and co-worker who really listens and cares!)

 What does our “I’m fine” really mean? It could mean:

1. No time to chat. 
2. Can’t talk or I’ll start crying.
3. Just trying to survive. 
4. I don’t trust you enough to spill. 
5. I’m denying my situation, and you calling me out by asking me how I am makes me want to scream.
6. You see I need help, but you would rather just ask how I’m balancing it all than give help, so I give you lied assurance. 
7. Thank you for asking, but my personal life and professional life need to remain separate for my sanity.
8. I’m testing you to see if you try harder to see if I can trust you.
9.  I would like to tell you, but I am afraid you are going to use my issues as gossip to spread around work or online.
10. I’m pissed and you should know why, so I’ll let you dig your own grave. 

So why did I write all this about “I’m Fine?” Because if we are not fine, we need to say it. Many of us experience pain and depression, but in our desperation not to become a burden to our friends and family, we say, ‘I’m good.’ Jelly Roll even wrote an entire song called “I’m not okay.” This is a societal issue.

We feel obligated to pretend that everything is ‘awesome’ because that is what our online life demands. Our real lives have to match our Instagram and TikToks, otherwise we are ‘fake.’ It is too much pressure pretending everything is perfect.

The amount of effort it takes to pretend what we aren’t,

leaves us too depleted to be what we aspire to become.

It’s not fair that we live in a world where we are expected to be perfect and happy, and as soon as we fail or slip into sadness, everyone uses it as currency against us. It hurts. Others are experiencing the same struggles of obligation, family, friends, and failures. And we don’t want to add to their list.

But I encourage you to check on your friends and family. When you ask, ‘How are you?’ and when they say ‘fine.’ Don’t just nod and keep walking. Ask for more. Invite them out. Go for coffee, make time to talk about life and love, and all the things that make our world spin. We crave more than just the surface level we have all become accustomed to, but we need to fight against it. Make time for more than “I’m fine,” and have conversations about what is really going on in our worlds so we can vent, find solutions, or just get out of our own heads for a while. Can you imagine if we create an inner circle of people around us who we can trust with our pain, anxiety, and everything in between, how much better we all could be? We have to work on this together.

It is so easy for me to sit here and write about this. Trust me, I am talking to a mirror built into a brick wall. I am guilty of all this. I say I’m fine when I’m not, or ask my friends and coworkers in passing how they are, then nod and smile, because I can barely stay afloat. So, I get it. But maybe if we share the burden, we can stay up longer. I am going to try. Will you?

If you aren’t fine, I encourage you to seek a therapist, create art, or write. Release all that pressure and expectation so you can become the very words you say.